I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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