i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
