A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
