thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just forgot I was standing up.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
