If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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