What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
