Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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