God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
