3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
