she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
