Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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