one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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