I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
