So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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