Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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