I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
