you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
