i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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