I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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