so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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