After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
