If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
