It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
