I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
