I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
