i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
