I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
