Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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