Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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