Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
