Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
