Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
No stitches, just platelets and will power
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
