my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
