The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
