He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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