The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
