I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
