one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
