you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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