they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
