I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
