Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
