Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Randomize
