I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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