I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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