Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
So here I am, sexting at work.
we should paint friendship bongs
And then he peed in my hair
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