I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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