Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
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