i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
