the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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