3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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